Unforgiveable Stupidity

you know, i can be stupid sometimes .. in fact, I play stupid alot because it helps you to see the true color of people .. but i never imagined that i could be THAT STUPID ....

my mum has been sick for too long now. her immunity is somehow low and she's always getting sick and stuff .. she has done so many tests and all of them were nagative yet she's always weak and sick .. anyway, during a lung C.T scan, some kind of a lesion was discovered in her liver .. and the doctor referred her to a specialist for investigations .. it has been 3 months and my mum hasn't seen that doctor yet coz basically, she's too lazy to go ...

as a medical student, i had my own worries because that lesion looked suspicious and considering my family history of cancer, i was even more worried .. i've been nagging on her to see that doctor but she never listens and i had use plan Z since everything else failed .. plan Z is being honest .. i told her that there's a high chance that this lesion could be cancer and that liver cancer is one of the deadliest cancers ever.. i didnt want to be mean but she left me no choice .. as i was telling her this, i could see her face changing, her eyes started to get all teary and you could feel her chocking with her own words and suddenly she was all hugging my baby sister and stuff .. i think i freaked her out .. oh my god, what have i done? i didnt mean to, i didnt mean to !!

i'm feeling so bad, i cant believe that i brought tears to my mum's eyes .. you know, im dealing with so many patients with cancer right now, i have this particular lady, she's so sweet and friendly and she has cancer in her stomach but she doesn't know.. her family decided not to tell her yet and every time i'm around, she would invite me for a cup of tea and she would talk to me and stuff and sometimes, she would ask me to check her file and tell her whats in there !! and i always came up with stupid excuses not to check her file .. i would usually tell her that the doctors handwriting is too bad that i cant read it or i would deliberately mess with my mobile and pretend that i got a phone call and that i need to leave .. and i even started avoiding saying goodmorning to her to avoid her questions .. i can't risk telling her a thing .. imagine, i avoid saying hello just to make sure she's going to be ok ..

but with my own mum, i couldn't be more insensitive !! god ! i really hate my self at the moment !! i know , i did it for a good cause but NOT LIKE THAT ! god *bangs head on keyboard*
i feel so guilty and sorry and i cant even make things right since me and mum are not that close so if i go to her saying that i'm sorry and stuff, she's gonna think i've hit my head or something .. i've grown up away from them so i;ve grown up being cold .. I'M not cold, I'M NOT.. but i can't show emotions around them .. ahhh its kinda hard to explain .. but thats not the issue ..

i just feel bad for what i did .. this is not the kind of stupidity that i would enjoy .. kel shay wela dmo3 my parents :( ...

SOME BODY SHOOT ME !!