Guilty

I've always liked the fact that i do actually '' think ''.. and when i say think, i don't mean working out a problem or over thinking about life issues .. its more like meditation kind of thinking.. you know, when you take time to isolate yourself from everyone and just think about the world and stuff.. I've loved it because it made me feel deep and connected to everything around me, the sky .. the winds .. the moon.. the trees .. all kind of animals and insects but more importantly, human feelings .. to take time to put yourself in other people's shoes, to feel what they feel , to experience what they experience.. its such a great thing to learn and raise above it all with the lessons you get from these short moments of silence ...

i've drove my car all around seeking these kind of thoughts .. i re-lived my childhood joy by going to parks and seeing all these kids playing around.. i know how hard goodbyes can be by watching all these travellers in the airport. . i've known what it feels to be lonely just by sitting on the shore beside a broken hearted lover .. i've learnt what it means to be responsible by watching all these men doing hard labor work underneath this sun, just to earn enough for their families over seas... i know my family's worth after volunteering in the orphanage .. in every situation, in every place , in every face , i took my time to see whats beneath it .. i took my time to '' feel '' and think about it ... i enjoyed these moments .. i enjoyed being connected to everything .. i enjoyed being one with the world around me ..

but these thoughts started to be overwhelming .. more like a disease of a mind ... i think i lost control of it .. guilt started to build up .. and i don't know what to do .. lately, i've been feeling so guilty for having this life .. everytime i see some one's misfortune, i get this guilt .. i lost my uncle almost 3 weeks ago, he died leaving 4 kids .. untill today, i can't stop feeling guilty .. because i still have my parents and my 8 yr old cousin just lost her dad .. every time i'm in the hospital, i feel so wierd, so bad because i'm alright ( AL7MDALLAH ) while others are so sick and dieing ... i know that its not my fault and that this is the way life is, but i cant help it .. i guess i've crossed the safety line when i decided to connect my self with life around me ..

i need to step back a little before i lose my mind here ..