Unforgiveable Stupidity

you know, i can be stupid sometimes .. in fact, I play stupid alot because it helps you to see the true color of people .. but i never imagined that i could be THAT STUPID ....

my mum has been sick for too long now. her immunity is somehow low and she's always getting sick and stuff .. she has done so many tests and all of them were nagative yet she's always weak and sick .. anyway, during a lung C.T scan, some kind of a lesion was discovered in her liver .. and the doctor referred her to a specialist for investigations .. it has been 3 months and my mum hasn't seen that doctor yet coz basically, she's too lazy to go ...

as a medical student, i had my own worries because that lesion looked suspicious and considering my family history of cancer, i was even more worried .. i've been nagging on her to see that doctor but she never listens and i had use plan Z since everything else failed .. plan Z is being honest .. i told her that there's a high chance that this lesion could be cancer and that liver cancer is one of the deadliest cancers ever.. i didnt want to be mean but she left me no choice .. as i was telling her this, i could see her face changing, her eyes started to get all teary and you could feel her chocking with her own words and suddenly she was all hugging my baby sister and stuff .. i think i freaked her out .. oh my god, what have i done? i didnt mean to, i didnt mean to !!

i'm feeling so bad, i cant believe that i brought tears to my mum's eyes .. you know, im dealing with so many patients with cancer right now, i have this particular lady, she's so sweet and friendly and she has cancer in her stomach but she doesn't know.. her family decided not to tell her yet and every time i'm around, she would invite me for a cup of tea and she would talk to me and stuff and sometimes, she would ask me to check her file and tell her whats in there !! and i always came up with stupid excuses not to check her file .. i would usually tell her that the doctors handwriting is too bad that i cant read it or i would deliberately mess with my mobile and pretend that i got a phone call and that i need to leave .. and i even started avoiding saying goodmorning to her to avoid her questions .. i can't risk telling her a thing .. imagine, i avoid saying hello just to make sure she's going to be ok ..

but with my own mum, i couldn't be more insensitive !! god ! i really hate my self at the moment !! i know , i did it for a good cause but NOT LIKE THAT ! god *bangs head on keyboard*
i feel so guilty and sorry and i cant even make things right since me and mum are not that close so if i go to her saying that i'm sorry and stuff, she's gonna think i've hit my head or something .. i've grown up away from them so i;ve grown up being cold .. I'M not cold, I'M NOT.. but i can't show emotions around them .. ahhh its kinda hard to explain .. but thats not the issue ..

i just feel bad for what i did .. this is not the kind of stupidity that i would enjoy .. kel shay wela dmo3 my parents :( ...

SOME BODY SHOOT ME !!

Guilty

I've always liked the fact that i do actually '' think ''.. and when i say think, i don't mean working out a problem or over thinking about life issues .. its more like meditation kind of thinking.. you know, when you take time to isolate yourself from everyone and just think about the world and stuff.. I've loved it because it made me feel deep and connected to everything around me, the sky .. the winds .. the moon.. the trees .. all kind of animals and insects but more importantly, human feelings .. to take time to put yourself in other people's shoes, to feel what they feel , to experience what they experience.. its such a great thing to learn and raise above it all with the lessons you get from these short moments of silence ...

i've drove my car all around seeking these kind of thoughts .. i re-lived my childhood joy by going to parks and seeing all these kids playing around.. i know how hard goodbyes can be by watching all these travellers in the airport. . i've known what it feels to be lonely just by sitting on the shore beside a broken hearted lover .. i've learnt what it means to be responsible by watching all these men doing hard labor work underneath this sun, just to earn enough for their families over seas... i know my family's worth after volunteering in the orphanage .. in every situation, in every place , in every face , i took my time to see whats beneath it .. i took my time to '' feel '' and think about it ... i enjoyed these moments .. i enjoyed being connected to everything .. i enjoyed being one with the world around me ..

but these thoughts started to be overwhelming .. more like a disease of a mind ... i think i lost control of it .. guilt started to build up .. and i don't know what to do .. lately, i've been feeling so guilty for having this life .. everytime i see some one's misfortune, i get this guilt .. i lost my uncle almost 3 weeks ago, he died leaving 4 kids .. untill today, i can't stop feeling guilty .. because i still have my parents and my 8 yr old cousin just lost her dad .. every time i'm in the hospital, i feel so wierd, so bad because i'm alright ( AL7MDALLAH ) while others are so sick and dieing ... i know that its not my fault and that this is the way life is, but i cant help it .. i guess i've crossed the safety line when i decided to connect my self with life around me ..

i need to step back a little before i lose my mind here ..

When Angels are No Longer Angels ..

After 7 years of studying medicine, I realized that i was tricked. whoever said that doctors are angels of mercy is wrong indeed.
I know that doctors are humans too, they have emotions and reactions. Just like anyone else, they get happy, sad , depressed , angry..but is it ok for them to be cruel? to be insensitive? they are humans, aren't they ?
I've met some of the most insensitive doctors ever during my rotation but i thought that they are the bad apples among the rest of us, but i guess its true when they say one rotten apple can ruin the whole box of apples. because, these doctors have been increasing in numbers .. like its the new fashion or something !
although i'm 90% doctor ( lol one year to graduate :P ) but i'm afraid to say that i have no respect to doctors no more.. i don't respect people who don't respect others or respect the responsibility they have. Half of the treatment is psychological, and you are treating a living thing, you're not fixing a machine or something, so why be so cruel ? so insensitive ? it's really sad ..
one of the things that upsets me the most is the way doctors use patients to teach us. i know i know i should be glad that i get to practise on real patients BUT NOT LIKE THIS !!! these people are here because they are sick, because they need to rest and not to be flipped and tossed around by us . OK, we need to learn, i couldnt agree more ! couldn't you choose the ones who are less sick ? OR ATLEAST wait for the sick ones to get a LITTLE BIT BETTER !!! imagine, this old guy, with hundreds of tubes in his mouth and nose plus millions of monitors on him .. he can hardly breathe and he's in so much pain! and just because, he's too helpless that he can't say a word, the doctor comes in, expose him and just start explaining on him ! and if u take a look at the patient, you see a sad helpless look in his face and i've seen many patients shedding tears of helplessness ... you know i shouldn't be saying stuff like that but I'M SO ANGRY !! they cant do that to people ! you cant take advantage of their need to u and do whatever you wanna do to them !! thats just cruel !

and what drives me even more crazy, how they pick on non kuwaities !! if you're indian, thats it, you're the new genuie pig and you're not allowed to say no !!! HOW RACIST IS THAT !!

when you're a doctor, everyone is the same despite their gender, nationality or social status .. the poor filthy pakistani janitor should get the same treatment as a member of the royal family ! it doesn't matter who you are outside the hospital, INSIDE, you're a patient ! and ALL patients should be treated with justice and sympathy !

alot of people laugh at me when they hear me ranting about this. they think its nothing but a medical student excitement ! they say, a few years with patients should turn me into one of them... i don't think so .. this is not excitement .. this is humanity .. and i know that i'll have stressful days when i might snap at others but i'll never be as cruel as them .. you have no idea how hard i am on my self, wayed a7asib nafsi, sometimes even too much. so i don't think i'll get that '' insensitive doctors disease '' .. i sure hope i wont ..

this is a cry out for every medical student, doctors, nurses and care givers .. ALWAYS, put your self in your patients shoes .. ALWAYS ! and treat them the way you want to be treated then.